The Battle of Giants...

A bell rings. Twain leans back.

TWAIN: “Well now—y’all said you wanted to justify yourselves. I’m here. Do your worst, and I’ll do my best.”

ROUND ONE: GOOGLE TRIES HONESTY

GOOGLE (adjusting tie): “Mr. Twain, sir, we… we help people find answers.”

TWAIN: “Do you now? Then why is every answer wrapped in two pounds of ads and three pounds of panic?”

GOOGLE: “Well, users expect relevant content—”

TWAIN: “Son, if y’put a man in a library and the first thing he sees is a giant billboard for toenail fungus treatment, that ain’t relevance. That’s robbery.”

GOOGLE (sweating): “We… optimize for engagement.”

TWAIN: “Yes, I reckon kidnappers optimize for transportation.”

ROUND TWO: FACEBOOK ENTERS THE ARENA

FACEBOOK (hands raised): “We connect the world!”

TWAIN: “You connect the world like whiskey connects men to fine decision-making.”

FACEBOOK: “We give people community.”

TWAIN: “Community? Sir, that’s a word for neighbors who bring soup, not strangers who bring conspiracy theories.”

FACEBOOK (hurt): “Well we—”

TWAIN: “You’ve turned friendship into a scoreboard. And gossip into gasoline.”

ROUND THREE: TIKTOK TRIES ITS BEST

TIKTOK (bright smile, dead eyes): “We inspire creativity and joy!”

TWAIN: “Child, you’ve invented a machine that feeds a man thirty seconds of nonsense every thirty seconds, until he forgets what day it is.”

TIKTOK: “But people LOVE our content!”

TWAIN: “Folks love cigarettes too. Not everything enjoyable improves the human condition.”

TIKTOK: “We use advanced AI to show you exactly what you want!”

TWAIN: “AI so advanced it thinks I want to watch a man fix a blender while dancing. I assure you, I do not.”

ROUND FOUR: TWITTER/X ATTEMPTS A DEFENSE

TWITTER/X: “We’re the global town square.”

TWAIN: “No, sir. A town square has benches and ears. You run a global shouting contest judged by the angriest man alive.”

TWITTER/X: “We promote free speech!”

TWAIN: “You promote free shouting and call it noble. Speech is what happens when thinking survives long enough to become sound.”

TWITTER/X: “We encourage civil discourse!”

TWAIN: “Your discourse is civil in the same way a stampede is organized.”

ROUND FIVE: INDUSTRY PANEL (ALL TOGETHER)

BIG TECH CHORUS: “We’re building tools that make life easier.”

TWAIN: “Life was easier before your tools. Now folks can’t go a minute without checking a glowing rectangle to see if the world still likes them.”

BIG TECH CHORUS: “We’re innovating!”

TWAIN: “Sir, slapping a new coat of paint on the same bad idea ain’t innovation. It’s remodeling the jail cell.”

BIG TECH CHORUS: “We’re empowering users!”

TWAIN: “The only thing you empower is the machinery that milks them.”

ROUND SIX: CLOSING REMARKS

TWAIN (standing): “You built a marvelous contraption. Truly remarkable. A telegraph made of mirrors and megaphones. But you grew it like kudzu: everywhere, and never pruning. Now it’s not a service — it’s a swamp.”

GOOGLE: “We… we can change.”

TWAIN: “Then do it. Build the thing folks actually need: quiet, clarity, and a moment to breathe.”

FACEBOOK: “But how?”

TWAIN: “Well, that’s the part where y’stop squeezing folks like lemons and start treating ’em like people again.”

TWAIN (walking out): “For now, gentlemen, the internet you’re sellin’ is a river of rubbish with a teaspoon of usefulness drifting by. Try bein’ useful first. You’ll be amazed how quickly the rubbish washes away.”

Door closes with an echo.